Helping Others Recover from the Losses in Life

Excerpts from H. Norman Wright’s book Recovering from the Losses in Life

As Christians, we have an opportunity to share Christ’s love by the way we reach out to others who have endured a loss.  They need someone who understands and accepts them.  Acknowledge that the loss has occurred and try to see it through that person’s eyes rather than your own.
Four Major “Do Nots”:
•Do not withdraw from the friend or relative
•Do not compare, evaluate, or judge the person or his/her responses
•Do not look for sympathy yourself
•Do not patronize or pity the person
Positive Guidelines:
  • Accept what has happened and how the person is responding
  • Let them know their feelings are normal
  • Give them the gift of facing their feelings and expressing them (let ‘em talk, cry, scream etc)
  • Give a caring touch or hug.
  • Never assume that the person doesn’t need you – talk to him/her.  “I will be here in the home with you for a while.  When you need me to leave or to do something for you, please let me know, and I will do it.”
  • Give the gift of listening (“Be a ready listener” James 1:19).  Listen lovingly:  with your ears, eyes, heart.  Don’t lecture.  Nurturing listening means you listen for the emotional content behind the message being shared and reflect it to the speaker in an empathetic manner in your own words.  “It sounds as if…”  When grieving people talk about the details, encourage them to tell you their accompanying feelings as well.  Listen more than talking.
  • Send a note or card.  
  • Be patient.  You will hear the same stories, words, details, and tears over and over.
  • Endure their anger (if it is within reasonable bounds).
  • If the person withdraws, don’t push him.   Give it time.
  • Maintain a balance between acknowledging the loss and maintaining a positive perspective.  (There has been a past and there will be a future).  
  • Discover the grieving person’s personal situation and needs, decide what you are willing and able to do for the person, contact the person and offer to do the most difficult of the jobs you have chosen.
Tasks in the loss of a loved one (accomplished over a period of time):
  • Help the person identify the secondary losses and resolve any unfinished business with the lost person.  (“I’m no longer a wife, a mother, no longer have social standing, no longer work with that person” etc.)
  • Help them recognize that grief will need to be experienced for any dreams, expectations, or fantasies they had for that person.
  • Discover what the grieving person is capable of doing and where he/she might be lacking in coping skills.  Encourage the positive things they are doing (like talking about the loss) and give them other alternatives when they do unhealthy things (like alcohol etc).
  • Normalize their grief with out minimizing it.  Tell them their responses will be unique and not to compare themselves to anyone else.  Share one of the charts on healing, plan for significant dates or holidays.
  • Let them know you understand that they may want to avoid the intensity of the pain they are experiencing.  But encourage them to go through the pain of the grief.  There is just no way to avoid it.  IN TIME IT WILL DIMINISH!
  • Help them understand that grief will affect other areas of their life (memory, concentration, sleeping).
  • Help them find ways to be replenished spiritually, socially, and physically.  Be aware of eating and exercise habits.  
  • Help them with practical problems following a loss and assist in preventing unwise decisions.  Sometime they will want to make major decisions too soon (sell house, move, etc).  Encourage them to “pause” for a year on any big decisions…including serious dating activities.
  • Help them to discover their new identity separate from the one they lost and what new roles they must either develop or relinquish.
  • Bring up the fact that a healthy new relationship with the lost person must be developed.  (How to keep parts of their former life alive, etc).
  • At some point you will have the opportunity to talk with the people about what they have learned through a loss experience.